I realize where I am, hanging in air, inbetween land and sky, embracing clouds… utmost lack of control. Then I surrender. I realize how minute and powerless I am, then I become humble. I know that no matter how much I know and can, all render ruthless. I tell myself if another day is meant to be given to me, then it will, if not then I can’t escape it. If God wishes to have mercy over me, then He will. All is in His hands, including the clouds, the air, the plane and everything else.

Then I get off the plane. And life snaps back to normal. And I panic over meeting a deadline, passing an exam, getting a job,… etc. I attend to people as if they own the world. I race and compete as if I earn my provision. I become forgetful and lose focus of how small everything is in the hands of its Creator. There is indeed a very soothing effect of having absolute lack of control.

Till last night. I was reading about the human mind and child development and came across a sentence explaining that kids are better in Pig Latin than grownups. I had no idea what that was, so I looked it up. And to my surprise, it was my code language. I INVENTED THAT!!!

It’s not my fault that at the age of 13 I wasn’t aware of copyrights and patents. I demand credit for that.

Some 18 months ago, I posted about the same story: unable to focus on schoolwork when I’m in desperate need to.

Frankenstein, Walden, Pride and Prejudice are some books I just read few chapters of, just right now, when really the book I should be reading is on usability cost-benefit analysis. This time I don’t blame it on my short attention span, rather the introduction of marveling technology in my life. I had the honor to test drive an iPad before I gift it (yeah, it’s not frowned upon or anything) and as much as I’m amazed with how much technology is mind swirling, I worry about developing an ADHD. I’m constantly switching between kazillion apps, downloading few ones simultaneously, and just wasting my life away. I can see myself age on this recliner, holding the same gadget, browsing between hundreds of free ebooks and I still wouldn’t read my assigned chapters.

Can’t help but wonder, when would I ever receive a nifty gadget as a gift!

After all, not much has changed. I’m still severely inclined towards technology and still lack the interest to do my schoolwork. Except that I’m a year older.

Whether we like it or not, life always goes on in a very special way that in the end everything seems to have fallen right into place, makes absolute sense and we couldn’t have asked for anything different.

That job you wanted so badly; the location, the pay, the benefits, the status, everything about it is so sweet. You even started planning out the move, tried to establish connections in the new place, after all you got all the qualifications to land that job. For some reason it didn’t work out. As sad and devastated you were, somehow someway you land another job that is just way sweeter than the first. You look back and you think “what did I really want that first one for any way?”

Yep, that’s how it goes. It’s beautiful how things happen the way they do. The beauty can only be looked at backwards, and never forward.

Well it sure could be one of those foggy mornings that slowly fades into a beautiful sunny day. But let’s face it, it could also be one of those ugly days. Things DON’T end up with a happy ending all the time. There are the, maybe rare, times where the nasty smell is coming from an even nastier dead skunk in the backyard. Things don’t necessarily have to be alright, at least that’s not what they seem to be right at that moment.

People, the cup is half empty as much as it’s half full! It’s pure math. It’s not a taboo and it’s not a bad thing to admit. Yes, half empty, half full. Fact is, if you’re in desperate need for it, then it’s half empty. And more often than not, we are very desperate for so many thing.

Just imagine that pair of sandals you got for $120 that you lent to your best friend but she hasn’t returned them for a little over 9 months, and when you remind her she always gives you the I’m-still-looking-for-them response. Seriously, like you can’t make a scene or break into her apartment to look for them, despite the stupid amount of money you paid for them. Or that dinner you paid for the other day, while your boss was supposed to take care of it, but she forgot her purse that night, so you offered to charge it on your Chase PerfectCard (that ain’t perfect anymore) and she promised to pay you back. But wait, she never did! I mean, who would bring it up to her and be like “Can I have my sixty bucks back for the dinner I paid for the other night, the one you originally said it was on you- so man up and let it be on you.”

Or, your fancy shmancy new bluetooth piece that your friend accidentally dropped down a sewer drainage when you asked her to hold it for a sec. You can’t possibly ask for a compensation for it now, or can you?

Some people have the guts to say stuff like “hey, dude, seriously!!!!”- but not me. When money is involved in the story, I find it absolutely cheap to “negotiate” the matter. The sad part is I know I could have been vacationing on a tropical island right now with all the money people make off me that way!

They yell.

They make assumptions.

They break ties.

They lose friends.

They break relationships.

And they kill!

And with all the violence on TV, it became really common for people to resort to anger. It’s actually scary to see how violent the PG-13 TV series are. In a way or the other, they’re sending out subliminal messages “it’s ok to get your anger out in a nasty way, it’s oh-kaay”.

I personally blame my fussiness and ugly side on Tom & Jerry.

Few exits down the highway, I noticed my car wiggling in my lane. Many thoughts crossed my mind, but an icy, slippery road wasn’t one of them. I saw a line of cars about to get into a bottleneck traffic situation. As I approached, I started seeing it clearly,…it was a fresh accident!

It was a head on collision involving a HUGE truck, the kind that’s the size of 5 blocks put together, and a minuscule car, one from the 80′s or something. Yep, head on collision on the highway and both cars were originally going same direction, but it seems that the small car slipped and made a 180 and it was too late for the truck to escape it. The truck was literally on top of the mini car, which was crushed and only its trunk can be seen. Woah! Indeed a scary scene. I thought to myself: “he couldn’t have made it! he could not have made it!”

As I passed by slowly, I sneaked a peek at the wreck and I knew I would regret doing that. My body was trembling, I had hard time maintaining acceptable speed on the highway. Many question marks arose in my head:

What was the driver thinking when his car slipped?

Did he have breakfast before he left? Was he in a hurry? Did he have a cup of coffee in his hand when he lost control over the car?

Did he feel it coming? Did he say goodbye to anyone?

How did it feel when his soul was being seized? Did it happen suddenly?

Wow, death is indeed near. No one is ready for it. I mean, how could anyone possibly be ready for it. It could have been a normal day. It started normally for some, it was the final for others, and surely it will be a significant day for many. But, does it really matter? Time will pass and we will forget, and that person will be gone, and that would be the new norm. And people would still be able to start a “normal” day.

All I could think of is that it could have been me.

Every time I sit down and start writing my paper (final research piece of art), I fail to stay focused for 80 seconds straight. For real! After writing an entire sentence that makes sense and not plain plagiarism, I feel like rewarding myself by something. That something could be: check email, listen to something, eat something, text, twitter, or just walk around!

I mean, here I am blogging when I am supposed to be writing a “publishable” research paper that’s due in 4 days! Somehow Virtual computing reminds me of baking. Whenever I think of something solid to write, the idea of baking occurs to me. I already thought of 2 recipes to try for tomorrow.

That’s a joke. Whoever said that grad school is for me?